Thursday, June 21, 2007

It's a Hot One Today

Pretend you are naked. Not completely naked, but almost, and very weirdly so, and you are walking on a city sidewalk around noon while traffic is backed up because a bunch of guys are repaving the street. Now pretend that a guy in a Saturn with a baby in the back seat is looking at you, confused. What is the proper facial expression for you to have? Your choices are cliche, but so is walking around Baltimore airing out your buns, hon:
a) sheepish
b) proud
c) what the f*** are you lookin' at?

And of course, the answer is cliche, also. Is it always true that someone can be more menacing while semi- nude or nude than while fully clothed?

Yeah, so there he was, walking in front of my car as I waited to pull out of the Family Dollar parking lot (little baby swimming pool, 3 dollars). He was dark-skinned and "wearing" all black clothes, so at first I was confused. Went like this:
Hmm, a guy.
In a hood.
It's hot, though.
Wait. What's his hand doing?
Is he wearing pantyhose?
Is that skin?
Is that like some kind of dark brown boxer brief? Like Marky-Mark?
No. Skin.
He's holding up his pants, with one hand, in front.
Barely. Those are definitely individual cheeks, there.
Not even a thong.
Don't look too closely.
He's looking at me.
He's still looking at me.

I realize that some of you will question my thought of a thong, but I challenge anyone, when faced with a bare bottom in broad daylight under circumstances like these, not to look for even a shred of fabric.

Today I learned that this same gentleman was at the same very busy intersection as my wife and a work compatriot of hers rode the #19 up Harford Road. You will understand my confusion when I heard this, because I saw our friend at about noon. My wife's bus passed the hot spot at about 5:15. Was he out, in the heat, showin' us sumpin', for five hours? Without drawing the attention of the local constabulary? Probably.



Blogger Slimbolala said...


4:56 PM  
Blogger Portipont said...

In D-deed. If all of the energy like this in Baltimore could be harnessed--I mean, this guy stood around on a corner for at least 5 and a half hours, holding up traffic--what could we accomplish? Get all of the pantless, shirtless, puffy coat on a hot day wearing, bus riding folks together for one mass action down at City Hall, and...who knows?

12:36 AM  

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